Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Get to Know a Mestee Reader, Part 2: Irfan Rizvi
In this week's installment of GTKAMR, I had a chat with one of the most active Mestee Blogger commentators to see what he is all about.
MB: If you were 7 feet tall, with your current basketball skills, could you make an NBA roster?
Irfan: That's a good question. I would have to say that I would not be able to make an NBA roster becaue the NBA has a clause that they don't allow Indians to play in the league.
MB: Oooh. A cop out. And if they dismissed the no Indian clause?
Irfan: Well, I guess I would like to think I could make it, but I would be more out of the Walter McCarty mold than the LeBron James mold. Meaning, I'd be a bit of a 7' stiff.
MB: You have a well known penchant for mascots and a love for soccer. If you could be a professional soccer goalkeeper for the team of your choice OR be a mascot of your choice -- same salary -- which would it be?
Irfan: Damn, that's a really good question.
MB: I know.
Irfan: I guess I would choose being a mascot due in large part to the fact that you can act like a goofball and get paid. Besides, one would think that a mascot would have a far more interesting 'uniform.' Also, there is no pressure in being a mascot. Being a goalkeeper is inextricably linked with pressure.
MB: True. Who has a bigger head, you or Brendan?
Irfan: I think Brendan might have a slightly bigger noggin than me....al¬though that clearly does not translate into extra brain matter. Zing!
MB: Set and spike. You seem to enjoy public nudity. Do you think you could ever live in a nudist colony?
Irfan: Although this does not directly answer your question, I do enjoy public nudity because it makes people feel uncomfortable. I enjoy making people feel that way from time to time. I think the only way I would join a nudist colony is if all the other colonists were 18-27 year old females who have had at least two same-sex experiences. Oh, the colony would also have to have a professional team so that I could be their mascot. Although one has to wonder what a nudist colony's mascot would be? Hmmmm...
MB: You DO know my Mom reads this, correct?
Irfan: I think it’s a prerequisite that I be truthful. Edit if you must. Besides, you're the one who asked about my nudity.
MB: Hey, I'm just saying. Back to business. Hufton calls you "The Man of 1000 Voices". Have you been approached for any voice-over work?
Irfan: I have never been approached to perform any specific voices for monetary compensation. However, my friends and family often delight in my repertoire and so I usually indulge them.
MB: True or False -- All of your dreams would be realized if you were approached to voice a character on SpongeBob Squarepants.
Irfan: False. Some of my dreams would be realized...namely getting paid (handsomely, one would assume) to participate in one of my favorite cartoons. But, not all of my dreams would be realized, as I do have other aspirations...
MB: I actually think all of MY dreams would be realized if that happened.
Irfan: That's great. However, would your dreams be realized if they gave you a non-major part?
MB: Hey, who's interviewing who here? Know your role.
Irfan: For example, one of the many patrons at the Crusty Crab?
MB: Dream partially realized. Next question...What lengths would you go to for World Cup tickets?
Irfan: Well that's a tough question to answer if I have nothing to gauge it against. I'm not afraid of public nud¬ity...so ask me to stand in Trafalgar Square with my birthday suit on with the promise of seeing Brazil play Argentina and I would gladly accept.
MB: Fascinating.
Irfan: Ask me to make out with (older brother) Imran...and I would have to think about it
MB: Understandable. Have you gotten your sweaty hands under control?
Irfan: I'm going to defer to Julia on this one as she might be able to provide a more objective response...take it away Deuce.
Julia #2: No he hasn't, Irfan's extremities are still perspiring, especially when he fantasizes about joining nudist colonies. By the way, has he ever mentioned anything about that to you? There was that one incident in Croatia...
MB: Yeah, I got the postcard.
Julia #2: But seriously, they perspire often and without warning…even when it's cold out! A freak of nature, certainly.
MB: Youch. Okay Irf, you're stranded alone on an island for life. You've got one book, one album, and one picture of someone unrelated (don't know them) to you that you can bring. Name them.
Irfan: The book: "The Boy Scouts' Survival Guide".
MB: Genius.
Irfan: The album: Zeppelin IV. Picture: Sigmund Freud...that way I could have him as my personal therapist during my isolation.
MB: Well done. If you were paid $1 Million, what is the maximum number of seasons you could go without watching a Red Sox game until the money was no longer worth it?
Irfan: I would get $1 million a season?
MB: No. One lump sum.
Irfan: I'm not going to say I wouldn't do it. Of course I would take $1 million to not watch the Red Sox. I'm sure I could occupy myself for the money I've made not watching them. I would have to say ten years. At that point, natural curiosity would resurface and I'd be bored of the lifestyle I enjoyed the previous decade.
MB: So if you were paid $1 million to stop watching them forever, you couldn't/wouldn't do it?
Irfan: Well is it an either/or situation? I either take the million dollars and never watch them again, or do I just have to step away until the money is used?
MB: Let's say it's either/or.
Irfan: Man, I would be hard-pressed to never watch the Red Sox again...but I guess I would sell-out and take the money.
MB: Don't worry, I would too. Finally, what's your favorite weapon to use in MarioKart?
Irfan: Upside-down question marks...no doubt. I get sick satisfaction knowing that the person who just stumbled upon it thought they were going to get something great, and instead they bit it instead.
MB: Ooh. Good one.
Irfan: Unlike other items (e.g. banana peels) the player actively seeks out the upside-down question mark, only to curse in its aftermath.
MB: You're thinking about Brendan right now, aren't you?
Irfan: Who else would I be thinking about? I've never known an individual who is the focal point of so much collective angst when it comes to MarioKart as much as Brendan is. I know you feel me.
MB: Word. Thanks for the interview.
If anybody is interested in contacting Irfan, he’ll be naked on an island with World Cup tickets, The Boy Scout Survival Guide, and no idea how the Red Sox are doing.
|
MB: If you were 7 feet tall, with your current basketball skills, could you make an NBA roster?
Irfan: That's a good question. I would have to say that I would not be able to make an NBA roster becaue the NBA has a clause that they don't allow Indians to play in the league.
MB: Oooh. A cop out. And if they dismissed the no Indian clause?
Irfan: Well, I guess I would like to think I could make it, but I would be more out of the Walter McCarty mold than the LeBron James mold. Meaning, I'd be a bit of a 7' stiff.
MB: You have a well known penchant for mascots and a love for soccer. If you could be a professional soccer goalkeeper for the team of your choice OR be a mascot of your choice -- same salary -- which would it be?
Irfan: Damn, that's a really good question.
MB: I know.
Irfan: I guess I would choose being a mascot due in large part to the fact that you can act like a goofball and get paid. Besides, one would think that a mascot would have a far more interesting 'uniform.' Also, there is no pressure in being a mascot. Being a goalkeeper is inextricably linked with pressure.
MB: True. Who has a bigger head, you or Brendan?
Irfan: I think Brendan might have a slightly bigger noggin than me....al¬though that clearly does not translate into extra brain matter. Zing!
MB: Set and spike. You seem to enjoy public nudity. Do you think you could ever live in a nudist colony?
Irfan: Although this does not directly answer your question, I do enjoy public nudity because it makes people feel uncomfortable. I enjoy making people feel that way from time to time. I think the only way I would join a nudist colony is if all the other colonists were 18-27 year old females who have had at least two same-sex experiences. Oh, the colony would also have to have a professional team so that I could be their mascot. Although one has to wonder what a nudist colony's mascot would be? Hmmmm...
MB: You DO know my Mom reads this, correct?
Irfan: I think it’s a prerequisite that I be truthful. Edit if you must. Besides, you're the one who asked about my nudity.
MB: Hey, I'm just saying. Back to business. Hufton calls you "The Man of 1000 Voices". Have you been approached for any voice-over work?
Irfan: I have never been approached to perform any specific voices for monetary compensation. However, my friends and family often delight in my repertoire and so I usually indulge them.
MB: True or False -- All of your dreams would be realized if you were approached to voice a character on SpongeBob Squarepants.
Irfan: False. Some of my dreams would be realized...namely getting paid (handsomely, one would assume) to participate in one of my favorite cartoons. But, not all of my dreams would be realized, as I do have other aspirations...
MB: I actually think all of MY dreams would be realized if that happened.
Irfan: That's great. However, would your dreams be realized if they gave you a non-major part?
MB: Hey, who's interviewing who here? Know your role.
Irfan: For example, one of the many patrons at the Crusty Crab?
MB: Dream partially realized. Next question...What lengths would you go to for World Cup tickets?
Irfan: Well that's a tough question to answer if I have nothing to gauge it against. I'm not afraid of public nud¬ity...so ask me to stand in Trafalgar Square with my birthday suit on with the promise of seeing Brazil play Argentina and I would gladly accept.
MB: Fascinating.
Irfan: Ask me to make out with (older brother) Imran...and I would have to think about it
MB: Understandable. Have you gotten your sweaty hands under control?
Irfan: I'm going to defer to Julia on this one as she might be able to provide a more objective response...take it away Deuce.
Julia #2: No he hasn't, Irfan's extremities are still perspiring, especially when he fantasizes about joining nudist colonies. By the way, has he ever mentioned anything about that to you? There was that one incident in Croatia...
MB: Yeah, I got the postcard.
Julia #2: But seriously, they perspire often and without warning…even when it's cold out! A freak of nature, certainly.
MB: Youch. Okay Irf, you're stranded alone on an island for life. You've got one book, one album, and one picture of someone unrelated (don't know them) to you that you can bring. Name them.
Irfan: The book: "The Boy Scouts' Survival Guide".
MB: Genius.
Irfan: The album: Zeppelin IV. Picture: Sigmund Freud...that way I could have him as my personal therapist during my isolation.
MB: Well done. If you were paid $1 Million, what is the maximum number of seasons you could go without watching a Red Sox game until the money was no longer worth it?
Irfan: I would get $1 million a season?
MB: No. One lump sum.
Irfan: I'm not going to say I wouldn't do it. Of course I would take $1 million to not watch the Red Sox. I'm sure I could occupy myself for the money I've made not watching them. I would have to say ten years. At that point, natural curiosity would resurface and I'd be bored of the lifestyle I enjoyed the previous decade.
MB: So if you were paid $1 million to stop watching them forever, you couldn't/wouldn't do it?
Irfan: Well is it an either/or situation? I either take the million dollars and never watch them again, or do I just have to step away until the money is used?
MB: Let's say it's either/or.
Irfan: Man, I would be hard-pressed to never watch the Red Sox again...but I guess I would sell-out and take the money.
MB: Don't worry, I would too. Finally, what's your favorite weapon to use in MarioKart?
Irfan: Upside-down question marks...no doubt. I get sick satisfaction knowing that the person who just stumbled upon it thought they were going to get something great, and instead they bit it instead.
MB: Ooh. Good one.
Irfan: Unlike other items (e.g. banana peels) the player actively seeks out the upside-down question mark, only to curse in its aftermath.
MB: You're thinking about Brendan right now, aren't you?
Irfan: Who else would I be thinking about? I've never known an individual who is the focal point of so much collective angst when it comes to MarioKart as much as Brendan is. I know you feel me.
MB: Word. Thanks for the interview.
If anybody is interested in contacting Irfan, he’ll be naked on an island with World Cup tickets, The Boy Scout Survival Guide, and no idea how the Red Sox are doing.
|
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