Sunday, February 10, 2008
Re: Movies
Dear America,
Smarten up, please. If a nation's IQ was judged upon the popularity of terrible movies, the United States would have lost to anybody this week. Let's talk about the following movies that landed in the TOP 10 at the box office this week...
Fool's Gold (#1)- Oh...my...God. I realize that the selection of movies is always thinner towards the beginning of the year, but you don't NEED to go to the movies. The fact that more than ten people went to see this is disappointing to me, the fact that it was #1 is horrifying. Why did you pay your hard-earned money to see this? Was it a chance to see Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson doing comedy? Though they are both comedic geniuses in their own right, I don't think this was it. Was it the unique story of two people searching for treasure? Doubtful. Perhaps it was your way of submitting to the horrible previews that have been pounding everyone over the head for the last three weeks. Head trauma first appears in the trailer at the :33 mark. I'll explain later.
Breaking News: I'm watching the Grammy Awards and George Lopez just said "What a great country this is...the only country where a white woman and a black man can run for President of the United States." Yes, George Lopez, rarely does a white woman or a black man from France, Turkey, or Australia ever run for President of the United States. I hit rewind on the DVR just to make sure he really said that. He did. Back to our regularly scheduled program.
Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins (#2) - Did the previews not scare you away? While this technically passes the "Head Trauma Test" (a comedy featuring head trauma within the first thirty seconds of the trailer is never watchable), the back end of the trailer is loaded with head trauma, Yogi the Bear jokes, and a skunk spraying Martin Lawrence in the mouth.
Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert (#3) - Okay, I can't say much about this one, as I have openly revealed the enjoyment of listening to Miley Cyrus on this very blog. I have to give the 'tweens a pass on this one.
Meet the Spartans (#9) - It's hard to believe this movie exists. It is in the same spirit of Date Movie, Epic Movie, and Scary Movie. Basically, this movie cuts and pastes a series of skits together, consisting of pop culture references. These skits, when assembled, create a "movie" - or at least a thing that is the length of a typical movie. Observational jokes include, but are not limited to: J-Lo has a big butt, Donald Trump has weird hair, Britney Spears is crazy. Though I've never heard these insights before, I bet they're hilarious on screen. This movie was #1 a few weeks ago. Shame on you, America. This makes Fool's Gold seem like a solid, original idea.
In closing, America, I would like to beg you to keep up the positive actions you have taken, such as keeping Paris Hilton's "The Hottie and the Nottie" under $30,000 at the box office this past weekend. If movies like this are ignored, Hollywood might be forced into making films that are actually entertaining. Thanks for listening, America.
Your Friend,
Brian
|
Smarten up, please. If a nation's IQ was judged upon the popularity of terrible movies, the United States would have lost to anybody this week. Let's talk about the following movies that landed in the TOP 10 at the box office this week...
Fool's Gold (#1)- Oh...my...God. I realize that the selection of movies is always thinner towards the beginning of the year, but you don't NEED to go to the movies. The fact that more than ten people went to see this is disappointing to me, the fact that it was #1 is horrifying. Why did you pay your hard-earned money to see this? Was it a chance to see Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson doing comedy? Though they are both comedic geniuses in their own right, I don't think this was it. Was it the unique story of two people searching for treasure? Doubtful. Perhaps it was your way of submitting to the horrible previews that have been pounding everyone over the head for the last three weeks. Head trauma first appears in the trailer at the :33 mark. I'll explain later.
Breaking News: I'm watching the Grammy Awards and George Lopez just said "What a great country this is...the only country where a white woman and a black man can run for President of the United States." Yes, George Lopez, rarely does a white woman or a black man from France, Turkey, or Australia ever run for President of the United States. I hit rewind on the DVR just to make sure he really said that. He did. Back to our regularly scheduled program.
Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins (#2) - Did the previews not scare you away? While this technically passes the "Head Trauma Test" (a comedy featuring head trauma within the first thirty seconds of the trailer is never watchable), the back end of the trailer is loaded with head trauma, Yogi the Bear jokes, and a skunk spraying Martin Lawrence in the mouth.
Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert (#3) - Okay, I can't say much about this one, as I have openly revealed the enjoyment of listening to Miley Cyrus on this very blog. I have to give the 'tweens a pass on this one.
Meet the Spartans (#9) - It's hard to believe this movie exists. It is in the same spirit of Date Movie, Epic Movie, and Scary Movie. Basically, this movie cuts and pastes a series of skits together, consisting of pop culture references. These skits, when assembled, create a "movie" - or at least a thing that is the length of a typical movie. Observational jokes include, but are not limited to: J-Lo has a big butt, Donald Trump has weird hair, Britney Spears is crazy. Though I've never heard these insights before, I bet they're hilarious on screen. This movie was #1 a few weeks ago. Shame on you, America. This makes Fool's Gold seem like a solid, original idea.
In closing, America, I would like to beg you to keep up the positive actions you have taken, such as keeping Paris Hilton's "The Hottie and the Nottie" under $30,000 at the box office this past weekend. If movies like this are ignored, Hollywood might be forced into making films that are actually entertaining. Thanks for listening, America.
Your Friend,
Brian
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